I received news a number of days ago that my grandmother is in hospice care. She hasn’t eaten for a number of days, and is expected to die soon. My parents went to visit her, to presumably see her for the last time. My mom then went back again. My mom is struggling, and has asked that we pray for my grandmother.

And so, this is my prayer:

She is in pain. Or perhaps it is that she feels the abatement of life. Like what you feel at the start of a sickness. You don’t exactly feel pain but don’t feel fully alive either, and only wish to stay in bed to avoid the pain of movement and responsibilities. And at these times you long for strength, for energy, for the sense of life and health that motivates you to make the most of the day, and take pleasure in it. This isn’t pain exactly, but it’s not life either. It’s more like the way Bilbo Baggins described his feeling in old age… “thin, stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Undoubtedly it’s both. She probably is feeling pain(s), severe pains… and she is feeling the receding of life. She is suffering, both from pain and a longing for the fullness of life she once experienced and knows exists. God, have mercy. Meet her here in this place where physical pain(s) and the fading of life dominate. Care for her, draw her into Yourself.

Be merciful. She has sought to honor you. She is not perfect, and You (not I) know the ways she has deviated from You in her life expressions. Yet Your mark on her has been evident. In receiving and following direction from Your spirit her life has told Your story. She has rested in You. Be with her now in her time of need.

Give her peace. Not the kind of peace that comes from giving up hope, in order to avoid the pains of longing anymore. Not the peace of emptiness or nothingness, where one gives up the longing and the self along with it. But the peace of fullness and wholeness, of life itself. That fullness of life which she has longed for all her life, but has not been able to grasp. That fullness of life that can only be accepted and received, and not obtained or earned. That fullness of life that takes us into itself, and simultaneously comes in to us. That fullness of life that sustains and strengthens the self even as one surrenders that self to it. Give her that peace.

As she surrenders herself to You for the last time now, sustain and strengthen that self which you have given her. Take her into Yourself, and simultaneously fill her with Yourself… so that she may experience that fullness of life which she has all this time longed for and missed. It is You.

*Accompanying music for this post is O Love That Will Not Let Me Go, by Indelible Grace. Find it at the top right hand side of this post to listen.

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go, Indelible Grace, Side B