Earlier this week I had a moment of clarity. It was a parenting moment, but the principle I found clarity on has (I believe) its implications in all relational contexts.

My daughters (ages 8 and 6) were having a disagreement and one of them was crying. The other had moved on, floating out of the bedroom without a care in the world. The former kept crying (in the room), and this crying grew louder as her sister dismissed herself from the situation. As the situation unfolded I became aware of an internal pull to intervene. My weeping daughter had now moved out into the living area to follow her sister and continue with her grievance. That is, the disagreement had now been moved into common space where others (like myself) were confronted with it. There was an unspoken appeal to me as an authority figure to intervene.

This appeal for authority to intervene is something I generally find troublesome (though there are times it is necessary). Bowen calls it triangulation, and it diverts attention away from the task of working through differences. This task of working through differences is hard! It requires considerable amounts of emotional regulation, the consideration of another’s perspective, the valuing of the other, and the valuing of oneself in the right way. This last bit is where my moment of clarity came, on valuing oneself in the right way.

I ended up having a conversation with my weeping child (alone, away from her sister). We talked about her strategy for getting what she wanted [As an aside, her complaint was that her sister was bossing her around]. We first had to figure out what she wanted. In our discussion we learned that what she wanted was her sister to RESPECT her… to see her as someone valuable and capable of making her own decisions. Her complaint was that in being bossed around, her value and abilities in the world were not being acknowledged and recognized. A just complaint/frustration!

Now, her strategy for getting what she wanted was to cry, to complain loudly, to make a big fuss in order to elicit PITY, first from her sister… and then when that didn’t work, from me as the authority. Now, the problem is that pity and respect are two different things. Pity’s benefit is that it can make someone feel sorry for you, and perhaps get them to stop being bossy… or can get an authority to stop the bossiness that’s happening because they feel sorry for you… at that time. And this feels like a victory, it feels like a win for the one making a fuss. But, it does not garner respect. And let’s not forget that respect is what is truly desired.

In fact, pity works in direct contrast to respect. The more pity people feel for an individual, the less they tend to see him/her as capable in the world, which translates to a de-valuing of him/her in the world. Other kids at school stop playing with the kid that isn’t capable of playing a game without a meltdown (they stop seeing that kid as valuable to the game they’re playing). So the more pity one elicits from others in the world, the less and less actual respect they tend to gain from those others.

Herein is the importance of learning to value oneself in the right way. One who settles for a momentary “win” with the use of pity, simultaneously forfeits the opportunity for gaining respect… which is the thing that he/she really desires. In a certain way this use of pity can be said to be driven by self-valuing… but in a much deeper sense it is what occurs when one doesn’t value oneself enough. One who truly values oneself is not willing to settle for second best… is not willing to accept pity when it is respect they truly desire… especially when he/she sees the cost to respect that pity lays claim to. In fact, for one who truly values the self, even a hint of pity is closer to being offensive.    

So my daughter and I had a good talk about the natures of pity and of respect, and about the importance of valuing herself rightly. We talked about how in these times when her sister doesn’t respect her properly, doesn’t acknowledge her abilities and value in the world, she needs to find a way to address the situation from her strength rather than weakness. How, even when her sister doesn’t respect and value her properly, she can still know on the inside that she IS valuable in the world, and can still respect herself. Here, she will find her strength to endure and handle the situation, and conduct herself in such a way that commands respect. And this is what valuing herself rightly looks like.

For me as a father of two young girls, this is among the most crucial of lessons I hope they will learn. It will be a bulwark against all kinds of evil in the world that will target them. Not only that, it will equip them to be something of infinite value in world, to be so great an expression that they simply cannot be ignored or dismissed. After all, this is what they were created for, and it is the very value they were imbued with in action.

It is the very value that we are all imbued with, which I long to admire and honor as it finds its expression in, and through, and by every single one of us. It is so much stronger than what pity offers us! Just as life is stronger than death.

I wanna love you and more, 
I wanna find you with more,
Where do you reside?
When you hide, how can I find you?

Cause I wanna send you and more,
I wanna tempt you with more,
Can you tell that I'm alive?
Let me prove it to you.

You and I, we're the same
Live and die, we're the same
Hear my voice, know my name
You and I, we're the same


(The Avett Brothers, Live and Die, The Carpenter)

*Find the song in the music tab on the right side of the screen for a listen.