Hope

When did I first meet Hope? I was young… very young, and even then she seemed naïve. It was early morning and I awoke from my sleep in the back of our station wagon. It was time to say goodbye to my dad as he deployed. He’d be gone at least 6 months, though I had no concept of time. Hope tried to console me then I remember, but I did not know her. She was there, present the whole time, yet never the center of my attention.

That’s her way. She does not draw too much attention to herself. Hope always shows up on account of others, encouraging and supporting our love for them for their own sake. She does not make herself the center of attention, but is always there for you… in the background. It was years before I took any notice of her at all. There, years later, in a time of solitude and isolation she came into focus. And I recognized her! She had been there all along, faithfully by my side. And it was then that I came to love her.

How patient she had been, waiting for me to recognize her! And now in our union, she has produced Patience for me in my own heart. There’s no denying it, Patience is more like her mother. Soft, quiet, content just to be herself. And yet, there’s something stronger in her than I had in my own youth. She’s still young, but she’s growing.

It’s a funny thing when a father has to learn from his child. He’s been too thick headed to learn in his own childhood, so he must learn vicariously from the childhood of another. And Patience is teaching me so much! One thing that’s struck me is her indifference to time. It holds no authority over her. It has a strange hold on me as an adult, but not over her.

Even as she longs for a thing, she does not want it in her own time. Rather, she wishes to have it in its own timing, knowing that the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. In this way she has taught me the value of receiving a thing and not just taking it for myself. In the receiving of a gift, I gain the thing itself, but I also gain a point of connection and relation to the giver. Patience is teaching me that. It is a lesson her mother has been trying to teach me all along.

*Accompanying music for this post is January Wedding by the Avett Brothers. It can be found at the top right side of this post.
January Wedding, the Avett Brothers, I and Love and You

Waiting

I love gardening. And this time of the year is full of waiting! Waiting for the seedlings to grow indoors, waiting for the last frost date, waiting for rain… then getting overwhelmed with the rain and waiting for sunshine and blue skies. Waiting is in every step of the gardening process. It’s exciting and full of anticipation at times and then frustrating and infuriating at others, but there it remains… waiting all along.

Why do I do it? Why wait? Why garden at all? Wouldn’t life be much easier (and free of the burden of waiting) if I just didn’t care? Aaaah, there it is. I wait because I care, there is something in the gardening that I find valuable and worth pursuing. There is life in it for me, in cultivating the life of these plants. And not just life in the food produced, but in the entire process of gardening itself.

Ok, I care. And because I care, I pursue something worth while (here, it is gardening). And in that pursuit I must wrestle with the tension between things as they are now and my vision for what they can become. It’s risky to pursue a thing… it may not come to fruition. Of course, it’s risky to not pursue a thing too… then nothing will come to fruition. So I must befriend and learn from that virtue, Hope. The process of waiting is a process of cultivating a relationship with Hope, and learning to rest in and draw from her in times of despair. Because in the wilderness of waiting there are wolves prowling.

Fear will show up, you can count on that! Doubt too, and anxiety. These three cousins prowl about together in the wilderness of waiting, seeking whom they may devour. Anytime you care, anytime you pursue a thing of value and are in the wilderness of waiting for it, these three will show up. And it is in these times of despair that we must learn to rest in and rely on Hope! She is the light of Eärendil, that beloved star.

Perhaps that’s why I love gardening… in the times of waiting it cultivates a relationship with Hope that I desperately need. A relationship that I’ll be able to trust when the dark times in life come. When I’m tempted to abandon all to fear, doubt and anxiety, to give up caring at all. When I’m tempted to befriend more dubious characters just to avoid the loneliness in times of waiting… then I’ll know that I can rest in Hope. And through her, also gain the company of faith and love.

*Accompanying music for this post is Connie’s Song, by Xavier Rudd. Check it out at the top right side of this post.
Connie’s Song, Xavier Rudd, Food in the Belly

A Season of Life

It’s now springtime and the season of dormancy and death is losing its strength. Even as temperatures oscillate and the winds bring sleet one day and thunderstorms the next; that promise of life, hope, and joy is too potent for winter to reign in now! It’s in the air, you can smell it. Life! The birds sense it and sing. The trees feel its presence and begin to venture out of their hiding.

Interestingly, it is the smaller trees that come out first. The redbud and dogwood trees which are boldest, along with the pear. But then their older brothers and sisters are encouraged by the boldness of their siblings and life burgeons forth with increasing determination. Next the cherry, birch, and maple leaf out; followed by the ash, hickory, and mighty oak. That life within is called forth and drawn out by the loving gaze of the sun. And it is the affectionate stare of the sun that stirs that life within and calls each tree forward to be fully itself. And not the trees only, but all matter of life on earth rises into itself in spring. Called forward by the sun, it obediently and joyfully manifests itself without a second glance back at the sorrows of winter left behind.

Only we humans hold onto the past and are burdened by fears of the future. It is we who are gifted and burdened with an understanding of time. And as such, we are the most hesitant and fearful of all. It is we humans who resist the call forward, who withhold ourselves and linger in a mindset of winter long past its time. And it’s not like we don’t have reason. With knowledge of things past and prediction of things to come, there’s much to be cautious about. But why should we give such things the power to steel away the hope, life, and joy which calls to us today? Why give our ear to the voice of worries and fears when Joy Himself is speaking to us? Let us be taken by the gaze of the sun and obey His call out of winter.

*Accompanying music for this post is Power of the Gospel, by Ben Harper. Find it at the top right side of this post to listen.
Power of the Gospel, Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals, Live from Mars

A Prayer for My Grandmother

I received news a number of days ago that my grandmother is in hospice care. She hasn’t eaten for a number of days, and is expected to die soon. My parents went to visit her, to presumably see her for the last time. My mom then went back again. My mom is struggling, and has asked that we pray for my grandmother.

And so, this is my prayer:

She is in pain. Or perhaps it is that she feels the abatement of life. Like what you feel at the start of a sickness. You don’t exactly feel pain but don’t feel fully alive either, and only wish to stay in bed to avoid the pain of movement and responsibilities. And at these times you long for strength, for energy, for the sense of life and health that motivates you to make the most of the day, and take pleasure in it. This isn’t pain exactly, but it’s not life either. It’s more like the way Bilbo Baggins described his feeling in old age… “thin, stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
Undoubtedly it’s both. She probably is feeling pain(s), severe pains… and she is feeling the receding of life. She is suffering, both from pain and a longing for the fullness of life she once experienced and knows exists. God, have mercy. Meet her here in this place where physical pain(s) and the fading of life dominate. Care for her, draw her into Yourself.
Be merciful. She has sought to honor you. She is not perfect, and You (not I) know the ways she has deviated from You in her life expressions. Yet Your mark on her has been evident. In receiving and following direction from Your spirit her life has told Your story. She has rested in You. Be with her now in her time of need.
Give her peace. Not the kind of peace that comes from giving up hope, in order to avoid the pains of longing anymore. Not the peace of emptiness or nothingness, where one gives up the longing and the self along with it. But the peace of fullness and wholeness, of life itself. That fullness of life which she has longed for all her life, but has not been able to grasp. That fullness of life that can only be accepted and received, and not obtained or earned. That fullness of life that takes us into itself, and simultaneously comes in to us. That fullness of life that sustains and strengthens the self even as one surrenders that self to it. Give her that peace.
As she surrenders herself to You for the last time now, sustain and strengthen that self which you have given her. Take her into Yourself, and simultaneously fill her with Yourself… so that she may experience that fullness of life which she has all this time longed for and missed. It is You.

*Accompanying music for this post is O Love That Will Not Let Me Go, by Indelible Grace. Find it at the top right hand side of this post to listen.
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go, Indelible Grace, Side B

Meaningful Connections

Last month my youngest daughter won a prize in a school activity, and in choosing what that prize would be she chose two rings, one for herself and one that she gave to her older sister.

At dinner that night she was excited to show me what she’d won, and to describe the events of the day. She had already given her older sister the other ring, and they both showed me their new and highly valued treasures. I shared their enthusiasm and asked how they were won, and I (along with my wife) celebrated with them both a day well lived. I also shared with them that these rings reminded me of a previous story just two years prior:

Our girls are two years apart and the oldest had just begun kindergarten at the time. As she started kindergarten her younger sister missed her counterpart and playmate for the bulk of each day and was struggling with the separation. As the younger expressed her sense of loss in connection and time with the older sister she shared a desire to give her something… something the older could take with her to school to remember her younger sister by. As I explored the different gift possibilities with her, we came to settle on a pair of rings. One ring that each girl could wear and remember the other one by when they were apart.

So this younger sister got her savings out and we spent the better part of the day going to different shops (4 to be exact) to find the perfect rings for the task. She eventually settled on some that had small flowers on them and made her purchase. I was proud of her as she made this purchase and presented this gift to her older sister later that evening. I was proud of her for struggling with the sense of loss that she felt in the sudden absence of her older sister. I was proud of her for striving to find a way to maintain that meaningful sense of connection with her sister in the midst of changing circumstances that imposed their separation. I was proud of her for giving serious consideration to what kind of gift would be most appropriate for the task (which reflects the meaning of the gift itself). I was proud of her for spending her own money on the gift, as all meaningful connections and relationships involve sacrifice… a giving of oneself to and for the other. And I was proud of both girls in their mutual love for and valuing of one another in the whole exchange.

I think the rings lasted about a week before they were lost. But the sense of growth and connection these items played a small role in facilitating has a continuity far exceeding any material object. That growth and connection is now rooted in the lives they live today, and serves as a foundation on which more connections and growth continue to build.

*Accompanying music for this post is (Not Fire, Not Ice), by Ben Harper. Find this song in the upper right hand side of the screen to listen.
Not Fire, Not Ice, Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals, Live from Mars

A Daughter’s Question

A couple years ago I was driving my daughters to school early in the morning as the sun rose. We had just finished listening to the song Down with the Shine by the Avett Brothers when my oldest daughter posed a question:

Dad, were the Avett Brothers there when Socrates speeched his speech?

A beautiful question I’ll never forget… she was six or seven at the time! Soooo, clearly there’s a backstory. A week or so before we had been listening to that same song and she was trying to understand what it meant.

Down with the shine, the perfect shine
That poisons the well, and ruins my mind
I get took for a ride, every time
Down with the glistening shine

As we (my two daughters and I) talked about it I shared that the song centered on a truth that Socrates expressed a very long time ago in Plato’s Gorgias (462b-466b); that life presents to us those things which are good for us (that enhance our health, growth, development, and thriving), but that those good things have parallel counterfeit flatteries (various counterfeits of the good which “give the appearance of health and not the reality”). So, we discussed how a flattery operates by creating an experience of delight or gratification, and in that way distracts us from that which really is the highest good.

As you might imagine, an example was needed for my daughters to understand (or begin to understand). Fortunately, Plato provided us with one especially helpful for children. I shared that the main example Socrates used was a distinction between food that is healthy for a person’s body (or actual food) and that which is prepared only for pleasure (such as candy, cakes, other sweets and/or processed foods for example).

I then asked my daughters “what would you rather have to eat? Spinach salad or chocolate cake?”

Both smiled broadly and expressed “CAKE!”

So I then followed up, “but which is good for your body to grow healthy and strong?”

… And then they understood. I told my daughters how Socrates made this exact point, that we tend to judge a thing as good/bad by our immediate and temporal experience of it (whether it is gratifying to our senses or not), rather than what is actually good and healthy (but tastes like salad).

So we talked about how this is what the Avett Brother’s are singing about in Down with the Shine. That the Shine reflects those counterfeits, the flatteries which distract us and lead us away from “the good” that is for us. And then something remarkable happened! My oldest daughter made the connection (all by herself!) to advertisements at the grocery store, which get us to spend more money on macaroni and cheese that comes in a flashy colorful box rather than the same product in a plain box for less money. She got it!

So now we have a running joke in the family… when I ask our girls what their favorite desert is, they respond enthusiastically with “SPINACH!” I love it… Then I give them some cake. For the record, we do have a special love for spinach in our family.

Lastly, the answer to her question was no, the Avett Brothers were not there when Socrates speeched his speech. But they probably read about it.

*Accompanying music for this post is obviously Down with the Shine, by the Avett Brothers. Find it in the top right portion of the blog to listen.
The Avett Brothers, Down with the Shine, The Carpenter

Keep on Keeping on

Just this past weekend the Banff Mountain Film Festival came to my town, a film festival that I have enjoyed attending for about 20 years now. The films center on mountain culture and outdoor adventure, and often serve to inspire personal and relational growth in the pursuit of bold and courageous goals. I recall a film that I watched at this festival a couple years back that focused on the Colorado river. This film followed the adventures of two men who sought to kayak the river from its source as snow melt in the Colorado Rockies all the way through the Grand Canyon and down to its end in the Gulf of California (Mexico).

As the film followed these two adventurers, the crux of their journey came in the last 100 miles before reaching the Gulf, where the river itself ended… not reaching its culminating end in the Gulf of California. Following these two men as they completed their journey on foot I learned that the Colorado river hadn’t reached its end in the Gulf since the 1960’s, and that this is because 70% of the river is consistently siphoned off to provide water for farms and cities all across the Southwestern US (including California, Arizona, Nevada, Wyoming, Utah, Colorado, and New Mexico).

Likewise, the life within each of us is strong and powerful like the Colorado river. That life breathed into us from the One is divinely inspired and seeks its culminating expression in the world (just as the Colorado river seeks the Gulf of California). And the world is such that there is a never-ending number of entities that wish to draw from that life, many in order to source their own expressions in the world, and some simply for the sake of depleting the life found within us. Generally speaking, we are able to identify those siphons that are not worthy of our strength… that dissipate our strength without producing anything of value in the world. These we generally regard as immoralities, or wrongs… Christianity uses the term sin. We are generally able to identify these siphons for what they are, though we often struggle to cut them off (stopping them from siphoning off our strength and life which is seeking a more worthy and culminating expression in the world).

And while these life depleting siphons can be challenging to cut off, what are often even more challenging are those that wish to draw from that life within us in order to source their own expressions in the world. These are more challenging because they are very often worthy causes, and the world is full of countless numbers of worthy causes. The challenge is, that if one allows his/her strength to be siphoned off for any and all worthy causes that present themselves, that one will never reach his/her own culminating expression in the world… that which uniquely belongs to him/her. Here, one’s own life/strength becomes so diffuse so quickly that it ceases to exist altogether… becomes only a shadow of a self.

This is a problem because the One has breathed that life, that energy, that strength into that particular individual… and each one of us as particular individuals. He has entrusted each individual with that life to cultivate, grow, protect, and steward it so that it can reach its culminating expression. It is a matter of stewardship, each individual is responsible to safeguard and protect that strength within them, to direct it towards its culminating end. And this requires the ability to say No to otherwise worthy causes.

I do not mean to say that all who wish to draw from us should be cut off, but I do mean to say that one neglects his/her responsibility before the One when choosing to not value and honor that life (within the self) properly… when he/she gives it away to all others indiscriminately. There is a responsibility to discern those worthy and noble causes which align with and compliment/enhance one’s own culminating expression from those which are altogether different/distinct. And those which are altogether different/distinct we need to be able to say no to, while still honoring and appreciating them for what they are. In so doing, we preserve and honor that life/strength which has been given to us as individuals to cultivate and express. And in doing this, we become a source of life/strength and beauty in the world that has a far greater impact than that which allows itself to become diffuse. The expression of that strength becomes ordered and cultivated, a sustainable source of life for others that culminates in something far greater than itself.

…while one kind of despair steers blindly in the infinite and loses itself, another kind of despair allows itself to be, so to speak, cheated of its self by ‘the others’. By seeing the multitude of people around it, by being busied with all sorts of worldly affairs, by being wise to the ways of the world, such a person forgets himself, in a divine sense forgets his own name, dares not believe in himself, finds being himself too risky, finds it much easier and safer to be like the others, to become a copy, a number, along with the crowd.
Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death, p. 64

*The accompanying music for this post is My Silver Lining, by First Aid Kit. Find this song at the top right of the site.
My Silver Lining, Stay Gold, First Aid Kit

Shared Meaning

A while back I was listening to a podcast interview with Mary Catherine Bateson, an accomplished linguist and anthropologist from George Mason University. She is also the daughter of the two famous anthropologists Margaret Mead and Gregory Bateson. Mary Catherine’s interview was loosely based on the theme of her book Composing a Life, and as I listened I was struck by the following statement she made:

We talk in this country often about property rights, we talk more rarely about the shares people have in each other’s lives and about people’s rights to participation and pleasure, especially at the moments of passage. The right to throw a handful of earth on a coffin, the right to stand up to catch a tossed bouquet and dream of one’s own future wedding, to kiss the bride or groom, or hold a newborn. Couples today devise new rituals or set up housekeeping in ways most meaningful to themselves but without wondering if that meaning is something owed to a larger community.
Mary Catherine Bateson, Composing a Life, On Being podcast

This is just the kind of brilliant observation that a grounded anthropologist would make. And it makes me uncomfortable… in a good way. It makes me uncomfortable because I myself am composing a life and family grounded in what is most meaningful to me, and far too often without regard for those others around me (in my larger family and community) who have contributed to that meaning and value. This quote challenges and balances my rather strong individualistic tendencies by highlighting the relational and communal contexts that I rest in and draw from. My successes and accomplishments in life are not strictly mine… they rest upon the supports, encouragements, beliefs and values, efforts, sacrifices, hopes and dreams, visions, graces, mercies, loves, and investments of a vast web of family and community that make them possible.

Here again is the importance of balancing autonomy/ individuality with connection/ togetherness, both must be honored. I am reminded of so many people in reflecting on this who have loved me well, and for so long. And this leaves me grateful, but also humbled… because I have often just taken them for granted. I hope to grow in this gratitude and humility… I need it.

*Enjoy the accompanying music to this post by James Taylor… Shower the People. This song can be found at the upper right side of the blog.
James Taylor, Shower the People, Greatest Hit

Find the podcast interview with Mary Catherine Bateson at the On Being site here: https://onbeing.org/programs/mary-catherine-bateson-composing-a-life-aug2017/

A Beautiful Woman

I honestly can’t think of a more appropriate title, though it’s not likely a reflection of what you’re thinking.

There are moments in life that catch your attention, that bring in to focus the good, the beautiful… the life that permeates existence. This past summer I had such an experience while running the carriage trails out at Bass Lake. Now I wouldn’t call myself a runner, mostly because I do not engage in running for its own sake. I run (some) to keep in relative shape for the things I really do love to do (backpacking, climbing, mountaineering, and more). As such, I’m an ordinary runner… averaging 4-5 miles per run at a manageable pace approximately 2-3 times a week.

While on my runs I consistently find myself engaged in deep thoughts (but not with Jack Handy), wrestling with perspectives, ideas, views in the world that present challenges to my own frame of things. It just so happens that this particular day I was wrapped up in an especially challenging, emotionally taxing, and dark struggle while on my run, and I was fervently engaged with it for the duration of that run.

As I reached the final stretch of my run (deeply engaged in this dark battle of perspective), I broke into my typical sprint for the last 100 yards. And as I was finishing this sprint, reaching the access point for the parking area, I heard a woman’s voice cry out…

“I LOVE YOU!”

… and she was yelling it to me! So, catching my breath I looked up on the hill where a 60ish year old woman and her husband stood watching me as I finished my run. And as I gained my breathe I replied… “I love you too!”

I didn’t know the woman… or her husband, but was so struck by the beaming smiles on their faces and the power and life in the woman’s expression to me that I was completely freed of the dark battle I had been engaged in. Her expression commanded my affection, and in so doing it called me out of darkness and into light. And so, in obedience I replied… “I love you too!” as I took the steps to talk with this encouraging couple.

As we talked I learned that they were up visiting for the day as they often do in their retirement. I also perceived that the woman had perhaps had a stroke that mildly impaired her speech and facial expressions. I cannot say for sure what prodded her loving expression to me as I finished my run, but my sense was that she was celebrating and honoring in me what she could not now herself experience directly. She saw in my running (and final sprint) an expression of beauty and life that perhaps she once knew herself, but that was now out of reach. And she knew the beauty and value in it, what a privilege it was to be able to express life in such a dynamic physical way. And though she and her husband could no longer express the life within them in quite this same way, they could express it by celebrating and honoring it in and through me that day.

I am grateful for the chance to have met and talked with this woman and her husband, for the light they brought to my life that day (when I needed it), for the perspective of love and joy they imbued, and for the renewed appreciation they fostered in me for the physical expressions of life I possess and am able to develop further.

I went on the search for something real, I traded what I know for how I feel, but the ceiling and the walls collapsed, upon the darkness I was trapped, and as the last of breath was drawn from me… the light broke in and brought me to my feet.
The Avett Brothers, February Seven, The Carpenter

*Listen to this song by finding it in the accompanying music at the top right of the blog.

Relationship Dynamics: Part Deux

On the heels of last week’s post (Relationship Dynamics) I thought I’d follow up by sharing a couple examples in my own life of struggling to navigate and find the balance among the emotional currents discussed (individuality/autonomy and connection/togetherness). I hope these examples demonstrate just how pervasively these emotional currents impact our lives. And yes, it’s ok to have a little fun at my expense here!

Example 1: One of the earliest times in my marriage that I found myself swimming the emotional and relational rapids occurred just as my wife and I returned from our honeymoon. It was early January, cold, and I had a bronchial cough just developing but otherwise felt fine. In checking the weather I became aware of another big snowstorm settling in that night (somewhere around 12’’ of snow… big for where I live) with temperatures down in the 10’s. As one who has a love for outdoor sports, and winter outdoor excursions in particular, I felt an immediate internal struggle. My former self (single, before marriage) took every such opportunity to climb up Snake Mountain (where the snow wind loads, yielding twice the amount of snow) for a winter alpine camping experience. Often I did this with friends, and occasionally would go alone with a bivysack when no one else was available.

And I now felt that tension… this opportunity (for an alpine experience on Snake Mountain) became all wrapped up with that drive for individuality/autonomy within me, which felt like it was being lost in my new marital commitments. It felt as though my very identity would be lost if I didn’t go, if I didn’t take this step to preserve this central aspect of myself. And so I did (leaving behind a confused yet gracious wife). Around 6pm that evening I called my friend Jeremy and made plans to head up Snake Mountain. By about 8pm we were heading out, psyched by the snowstorm and the adventure to ensue. During the approximate 3 hour climb up Snake Mountain in nearly waste deep snow I wrestled with my decision, feeling irresponsible, feeling like a jerk, feeling selfish… but in small doses as the climb itself, among strong winds and near zero temperatures required my attention. All in all (with the drive and adventurous alpine climb to the top) it was 1am before Jeremy and I were settling down in our sleeping bags within the tent. And here, it really set in.

I lay there in my sleeping bag, exhausted but unable to sleep. And my mind kept mulling over my decision, and how to reconcile it with my new commitments as a husband. That drive for connection/togetherness wouldn’t be quiet. “You’ve only been back from your honeymoon for 2 days! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” And that drive for individuality/autonomy prompted a response… “but freedom, adventure, this is who I am… it’s what I do.” Followed by connection/togetherness, “That’s childish, you’re a husband now. Figure it out. Your priorities need to change.”

After what felt like hours (it was probably only about 10 minutes), I spoke. “Jeremy” I said. “Yeah” was the reply. “I’ve got to go back” I said. “Ok” he replied. And that was it, no more words spoken. We were up, tearing down everything we’d just set up and packing it back in our packs (*As an aside, this is an amazing friend. He knew the struggle I was having and just walked through it with me). So we made our way back down the mountain and drove home. And upon returning home I got back into bed with my wife at about 4am. She barely stirred, but I was finally able to sleep with a sound conscience.

Example 2: About four years after the above example I was in graduate school and my wife and I had not yet found a way to balance the drives for individuality/autonomy and connection/togetherness, particularly when it came to overnight adventure trips. I had planned a few such trips over the previous couple of years, all of which were canceled last minute due to distresses, tensions, and challenges that arose. My bids for individuality/autonomy (by way of these overnight adventure trips) seemed at odds with my wife’s needs (drive) for connection/togetherness within the relationship… and no wonder (We had moved to a brand new place and I was working upwards of 60 hours a week in graduate school)! Our opportunities for experiencing connection/togetherness were already in short supply, so as I pursued something for myself (an adventure outing) anxiety regarding our connection/togetherness was raised within the relationship.

When that anxiety goes up, all kinds of weird things start happening. Doubt starts asking “what if” questions like…

What if something happens?
What if this is the last time I see her/him?
What if she/he is doing something else in my absence?
What if I need her/him for some reason?
What if someone breaks in while I’m gone/ he’s gone?

Well, then doubt’s cousin (fear) comes along and starts suggesting answers to those questions… and the answers that fear suggest are always your worst nightmares come to life. Just as though encountering a boggart from Harry Potter, one finds the self immediately confronted with the reality of his/her greatest fears! These are the emotional rapids of the relationship, requiring real skill to maneuver! But neither my wife or I had the skill for those rapids yet, and thus I ended up canceling my trips time and again in order to quell the anxieties (along with the doubts and fears) they produced.

Still though, that drive for individuality/autonomy persisted (and was getting frustrated), so I was now ready to try again. I planned a 3 day/ 2 night trip attacking the Triple Crown Loop in Virginia (Tinker Cliffs, McAfee’s Knob, and the Dragons tooth). My wife was confronting her boggart quite successfully and even had plans in my absence to keep herself occupied. I was excited, yet still struggling with my boggart. I packed everything up and was ready to go… it was about 6pm when my wife drove me to the drop off point along the Appalachian Trail. As I got out of the car a hiker came off the trail looking for a ride to the nearest gas station (about 7 miles away on back roads). There were no other options (ours was the only car there, and it was getting dark).

As I said, there were no other options. My wife was not going to drive away with this guy in the car (who’d been drinking whiskey to keep warm along the trail) all by herself! So I put my pack back in the car and we drove him to the gas station. But by the time we’d dropped the hiker off the sun was set (both literally and figuratively). I was emotionally tired! The hiker had somehow sent me over the connection/togetherness edge, and I now even felt protective (after he was gone… I know, it’s all nonsense). So getting back on the road again I said something about being tired and wanting to just go home. My wife was surprised (but I think secretly happy), and we drove home and had a good dinner that night.

And now here I am 9 years after the fact…though I’ve been to McAfee’s knob and the Dragon’s tooth many times, I still haven’t completed the Triple Crown!

*Accompanying music for this post is “Boots of Spanish Leather” by Bob Dylan. Give this song a listen by scrolling up and looking at the top right hand side of the page.
Bob Dylan, Boots of Spanish Leather, The Times They Are A-Changin’